Beauty is the Beast
by Zetsumei Tsubasa
Summary: I guess this is what people call a oneshot. Well, to put it short, Beauty is the Beast. Rawr.


Author's Note: Well, to start off, this story was created by my best friend, corkxrew, and me during our third sleepover. It was kind of like a "fan-fiction scaffold" where we took turns writing a paragraph or two and switching off. This story might relate a little to this other story we wrote about Snow White, which I might be uploading in a few minutes or so. Anyway, you can easily tell who wrote what easily: the good, funny, originial parts are written by corkxrew and all the screwed-up, lame, boring parts are written by me. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Beauty and the Beast doesn't belong to corkxrew or me. It belongs to The Wonderful World of Disney... I think.

Beauty is a Beast

Corkxrew and ZetsumeiTsubasa

Back before color TV (GASP! Is this possible?), there was a girl who was…not normal. Ok, that girl was my sister. Her name is Belladonna. Which, in case you didn't know, is a deadly nightshade. Bewaaaaaare. Oh yeah, my name's Rain. I know, who names their daughter _Rain_ of all things? Our dad was kinda screwed up in the naming business. So anyway, Belladonna (or Belle as we called her) was reeeeeeeally pretty. All the guys wanted her as a girlfriend cause she was so hot. Pfffft. Whatever. She wasn't actually that pretty, but she had an enchanted necklace that made her sexually appealing to the opposite sex. Not recommended for homosexuals.

Well, anyway, back to the "not normal" part… She was originally born as a screwed up crybaby who looked ugly as satan himself, but that's just in my opinion… and my dad's… and my mom's (who's dead by the way. she committed suicide because she didn't like Bella that much, at least, I _think_ that's why she committed suicide). So basically, she ended up with the pretty name and the ugly face and I ended up with a screwed up ugly name and… a normal face (it never ends up balancing out for me…).

Belle ended up beautiful because she got cursed by a witch. Let me explain. Me and her (Belle) were leaving middle school with Belle's pal the oh-so-popular-freak Snow White. I think Snow just hung around with us to make herself look prettier. So we were all going home when we met this cow. Yeah, a cow. It was white and half-dead. Snow immediately went "ew!". Belle immediately went "ew!". I immediately went "Steak!". The cow blinked up at us and sappy violin music went on. Snow said "Awwwwwww" and patted its head. A low voice said, "You will marry a hot guy who hates you and end up an oversexed queen with a obsession with anti-skunk spray." Snow looked confused, but left.

"Hey, let's go!" I told Belle. Dad told us not to talk to half-dead zombie cows. Belle gave me a 'wait-a-minute' look and kicked the cow in the side. My mouth dropped open. _Moron!_ The cow angrily transformed into a beautiful sorceress with the scariest look I'd ever seen in my life. Crap.

"_You, you little…_" She fished around for nouns. "_WENCH!" _Ok…who says 'wench' these days? "I now curse you with beauty from the deepest realm of hell!" A necklace appeared around Belle's neck and OMG! Belle was prettier than Snow. Or any movie stars or singers for that matter.

"How is this a curse?" I asked the witch. She grinned at me.

"I'm not done. You, _girly_, are cursed with enchanted beauty that will only remain if you wear that necklace. Your beauty will provoke men of all races, ages, and nations. A man you desire shall take" she pointed at me "your sister as his love and you will be stuck standing on the sidelines with a bazillion boys you hate fighting over you like the morons men are! HA!" And she poofed away, leaving us rather confused. And poofy.

So this supposed "curse" practically ruined my life. She totally abandoned all her friends, even Snow White, which gave her more time to date random guys. (Dude, she lost her virginity when she was like _my _age.) I didn't care much for the "a man you desire" part because she's so stupid, she isn't capable of liking someone, let alone loving someone, but this "a bazillion boys you hate fighting over you" part is kinda disturbing. Also, if she _does _fall in love with some dude (poor dude…) it's probably gonna be some snobby rich dude who's gonna cart me off or something. No, I am NOT jealous. But when these random guys come up to you, ask to be you friend just to be near your sister, and abandon you, don't you think you would get at least a _little_ sick of it? Well, I did.

I started to plot ways to destroy Belle's "curse" of beaty. Plan A: Steal the damn necklace and DESTROY IT UNTIL IT'S SHATTERED INTO OBLIVION!! Plan B: KILL THE DAMN SORCERESS (everyone knows that when you kill the source of a curse, the curse ends.). Plan B's kinda risky, I'm using it as a backup plan.

But, believe it or not, Belle actually enjoyed it. A lot. She wouldn't let anyone near the necklace, claiming her first boyfriend gave it to her. Riiiiiiiiiight. She said she'd get rid of it when the curse came true, but was pretty sure she'd never fall in love. And then HE came. He was smart, cool, good-looking, and in a motorcycle gang with a bike he called Beast. Something about him got everyone staring at him. Maybe it was the long brown ponytail. Or maybe it was the five earrings in his right ear, two in his left, and one on his left eyebrow. Or…maybe it was because he completely ignored Belle despite her winking at him.

"She have something in her eye?" he asked me, sitting next to me. I shrugged. He grinned, revelaing perfect white teeth. Well, there goes my theory about criminals having no personal hygiene issues. Belle pulled me away during lunch to discuss the "hottie", AKA Mike Wolf.

"He's really…hot…" she sighed. I gasped. Oh, shit.

"You like him." Oh no, no no no noooooo! Belle nodded dreamily, her way of saying Oh yes, yes yes yes yes YES! Nuuuuuuu…..

"YOU CAN'T LIKE HIM!" I freaked. "Don't you remember the curse? Whoever you love will take me as his love!" Belle shook her head.

"That's impossible!" she said dreamily. "Because he and I…are meant to be." She sighed again, and the truth came to me. _Rain,_ it said. _You are SCREWED. _

It was really weird at first. The more he ignored Belle, the more she liked him; the more she liked him, the more he liked me; the more he liked me, the more I felt totally screwed. Most girls would _kill_ to be in a position like mine: a hot guy from a motorcycle gang hitting on you while your evil sister glared at you at the sidelines. So this _Mike Wolf_ guy was pretty nice, I have to admit. Still kind of a delinquent, but a pretty good kid: keeps his grade up at least a C+ average (trust me, that's _really_ good for people like him), polite… _mostly_, and, best of all, he ignored Belle (well, it would have been good if Belle didn't fall in love with him…).

And then he asked me on a date. In the middle of class. While we were taking a test. Well, while everyone else was taking the test. I was trying to nap since I was finished. Here's our conversation:

WOLF: So, you're Rain right?

ME: Hn.

WOLF: You like motorcycles?

ME: I like anything that can be eaten, taken apart, sold, or used to kill people who bother me.

WOLF:: (pause) So, uh…you wanna go out?

(DEAD SILENCE. Whole class looks at me. Belle looks like she's going to faint. Even teacher is waiting for my response.)

ME: (dramatic pause) Hn.

Which was MEANT to be an "I don't care" hn, or a "Whatever" hn, or even a "SHUT-UP-AND-GO-AWAY" hn! But noo….he figured it was a "Sure!" hn, and before I knew it class was over and he was dragging me towards the school parking lot. And oh yeah, Belle fainted.

Personally, I felt bad for Belle (ok, not really.), but I _did_ feel bad for _me_. Maybe this choicing of "hn" wasn't good, maybe I should've just said "shut up and go away", but being me, I didn't. sniff So he dragged me to the damn school parking lot and plopped me onto his motorcycle (which WASN'T CLEAN DAMMIT!! sorry, I have something against dirtiness) And we had a supposededly "romantic" (according to him) dinner at Burger King. I felt so unloved…. or maybe too loved.

Belle called me like twenty times. I picked up to hear her asking if he'd kissed me. Paranoia personified, this nut. I told her "NO! I don't even like him." I swear my ears were bleeding as she screeched over the phone, begging me to go home. Like I had a choice. When Mike FINALLY took me home he leaned in for the kill-I mean kiss. Belle ran over to drag me in and her mouth dropped open as she got closer. Instinctively, I grabbed her and pulled her in front of me. The two looked shocked, the first in stunned horror. The second looking like she won a bazillion hot guys in the lottery.

Well, I half expected Belle to molest him (kinda like Snow White did when Prince Charming and her had their rumored "wild sex" in the woods…), but she didn't because he pushed her away in disgust (the first person ever to do so. give the man a prize.). So I just slowly walk away and leave them to their own little privacy (a.k.a. give Mike a little room to totally reject Belle without me running around to catch her when she faints). So I shut my room door and… wait for it… wait for it… WAAAAAAAA!!! slap. The deadly nightshade comes storming into my room, tears streaming down her cheeks in anger, "OMG! HE JUST TOTALLY BROKE UP WITH ME!! YOU JUST HAD TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND AWAY FROM ME, DIDN'T YOU, YOU LITTLE WENCH!!" I repeat: _Wench?_ "I THOUGHT ME AND MIKIE-POO" ,MIKE-POO AND ME, USE CORRECT GRAMMAR DAMMIT, "HAD A THING GOING, TOO!" _WTF?_

"Belle, in case you haven't noticed, you've never talked to him in your life." Belle blinked, thinking over it.

"Ohhh…."

"Yeah. 'Oh'. And I don't like him, it's not my fault he likes ME, it's your's." I thought over it. "Correction; it's that witch's." I had to find her to get her to reverse the curse. Or at least change it so I wasn't the victim. I got out my magic lamp (got it on eBay for ten bucks) and rubbed it. A tiny fairy came out, looking lazy and bored.

"Yesh?"

"Can you look up a witch for me? She likes to look like a zombie cow."

"Ahh…that's Glinda. Brb…" There was a poof and she appeared. She was as pretty as ever, and she looked down at me with a rather…funny expression.

"Yesssss?" she hissed.

"Get rid of the curse." I paused. "Please?"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE IT'S MAKING ME MISERABLE!"

"Sorry hon, not my problem."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeease? I'm not the one who kicked you!" She sighed.

"Fine. Here." A bracelet appeared on my wrist. "This has the evil fairies of prettiness and death. You can use 'em to get rid of the guy."

"'Prettiness?'" I repeated. I rubbed both jewels, pink and black. Two fairies appeared. One had black hair, black dress, purple eyeliner, and skull tattoos. Cool. The other one…had pink hair, pink boots, a pink dress, and a big friendly smile. Did I mention the pink? "AAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH!" I screamed. "MY EYES, THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!!"

So I tested it out on Belle. She, however, loved 'Pinky' as she called it. 'Gothy' was not so thrilled with being squished by my enchanted sister. "Kill me…" she moaned. I feel your pain.

Pinky: I can kill you for you!

Me: You can do that?

Pinky: primps self Of course. I _am_ the fairy of death.

Everyone else except the fairies: shock

Gothy a.k.a. Black Fairy Dude: glares in disgust and regret

Pinky: points grandly to Gothy She's the fairy of prettiness. Never expected that one, didja? Didja?! Didja?! Didja?!

Gothy: narls fingers …shut… up….

So the next day at school, everyone was gaping at Belle's makeover. She had a short red shirt that revealed her stomach, a leather jacket, schoolgirl skirt (the cool kind, not the wimp kind) and leather boots. You don't know how much I wanted those clothes, except the shirt. Waaaay too skimpy. Mike barely glanced at her. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "What's with her?" _SHE'S TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION, MORON! _I shrugged. He grinned and said, "So, about yesterday…"

"One time thing," I snapped. I was NOT in the mood to get my whiny sister spazzing out on me. He looked disappointed. "She's available." I pointed at Belle, who was waving, winking, and blowing kisses. He looked kind of freaked.

"I'll pass," he said. I couldn't blame him. After school I was walking home when these random guys came up to me.

"You're Mike Wolf's girl, right?"

"No."

"But he's always hanging out with you!"

"Sorry, I have no interest in the guy. Go away." They looked unhappy. Suddenly Mike appeared over my shoulder.

"What do you want?" he practically snarled. Kind of beast-like…The other guys grinned.

"So she IS your girl!"

"NO!" I yelled while Mike nodded vigorously. I glared at him, especially when he put his arm around my shoulder. If looks could kill…He and I would be dead, what with Belle staring at us like she was going to go into conniptions. The gang turned their attention to her, mouths dropping open. In that instant, Mike grabbed me, shoved me onto the bike, and drove off. I could distantly hear Belle screaming for him like the lovesick sap she was while the rival gang continued to stare at her like the lovesick idiots they were. What a team.

A long ways away from my incomprehensible torture of being zoomed away in an [unsanitary cough motorcycle with a [punky cough dude, my [idiot cough sister was creating a plan with her new lovesick gang slaves.

Belle: Okay you idiots.

Who says you have to be nice to your slaves?

Gang: bows down Yes, oh beautiful master.

Belle: Excuse me? Did you say _beautiful_? Can't you be more creative? Like, Oh Alluring Princess of Beauty Who is as Stunning as a Sunset on A Summer Beach. Can you try that?

Gang: bows again Oh Prince of Sunset… Beach?

Belle: Whatever. Well, I have created a plan to bring an ultimate end to this Mike and my sis's _cahooting_. And HE WILL BE MINE!!!!!

Meanwhile, the 'sis' was busy being unhappy as her wench of a sister was plotting her demise. Mike finally set me down, his arm bleeding from the bites and scratches. "You'll be safe here."

"WHERE AM I?!" I screamed.

"My house."

"WHAT?" I shrieked. A disgusting thought (that probably would've made Snow and Belle drool all over) hit me. "You're not planning to…"

"NO!" He protested, turning a brilliant shade of red. "No, I just don't want you to get harassed by those guys!" _Yeah, so you're their replacement?_

"Who were they?"

"Just another gang." _I know THAT._

"I'm not staying here."

"And you're going to go home? Your sister's not exactlty going to welcome you."

"BECAUSE SHE LIKES YOU! JUST GO OUT WITH HER AND MAKE HER HAPPY!" He suddenly pulled me closer, in a half-hug.

"Well, I like you. Why don't you go out with me and make ME happy?"

"I already did," I snapped. "Now let me go and get a date with my sis so she'll leave me alone." He sighed.

"It's too late to send you home. You can stay in the guest room tonight." I groaned. _If he tries to pull anything, I'll have Pinky kill him slowly and painfully._

His house/mansion was pretty, There were lots of pictures of dead white people, and really nice furniture. I secretly pocketed some silverware (literally silver!) to sell on eBay. He didn't notice. His backyard was really pretty. It was walled and had a bazillion flowers. The nicest was a huge rosebush with roses of every color. Cool. I pocketed one, a black one, planning to keep it in my room.

However, my plans to get home were killed off by a suspiciously inconvenient and coincidental storm that knocked down half the forest, trapping us in his mansion. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. Mike didn't look so worried.

"Don't you have fairies?"

"Like they could fix up a forest! I have prettiness, death, wishes, and neverending supply of weapons! Not 'destroy everything in my path'!" _Hm. Mental note: get a 'destroy everything in your path' fairy._

Back at the gang place where my sister's new personal slaves were drooling over her…

The Evil Nightshade: WE RAID MIKIE-POO'S DAMN HOUSE AND I WILL RAPE HIM!!

The Drooly Slaves: NOO!! WHAT ABOUT US?!!! RAPE US TOO!!!

awkward silence

The Evil Nightshade: How 'bout you guys just stay my personal slaves?

The Drooly Slaves: OKAY!

The Evil Nightshade: Now… where's his house?

The [Idiot Drooly Slaves: Uuh… on Pluto?

The [Exasperated Evil Nightshade: Heaven help me… One of you idjits get me a phone book.

I sat in the garden, pissed. Pinky tried to cheer me up while Gothy napped in one of the roses. "At least you get to see the pretty flowers!" Pinky pointed out. She touched one, watching it slowly wilt and die. She giggled then shuddered under my glare. _Kiiiiiill you…_

"Argh…..I'm stuck with this guy my sister is determined to marry! How am I supposed to be happy?" I groaned and stuck my face onto my lap. Gothy opened an eye, pissed.

"Can't you ask Jini to reverse it?" GREAT IDEA!!!!! …if I hadn't tried it before.

"She can't. I've wished it, but Glinda's magic is stronger than hers." Jini stuck her head out of the lamp, looking annoyed.

"EXCUSE ME! SORRY MY POWERS AREN'T AS STRONG AS THAT COW'S!"

"What cow?" We all turned to see Mike. He grinned, handing me a diamond the size of Pinky.

"Hn," I muttered, staring at my reflection in the diamond. "How much is this worth?"

"Dunno," Mike shrugged. We watched as Jini and Pinky fought over it, while Gothy ate popcorn as she recorded their little mousefight. "So," he said suddenly, "why do you hate me?" I was a bit surprised.

"I don't hate you."

"Oh? Looks that way to me."

"Nah. I just don't like the way we have a screwed up triangle. Line. Whatever, you get my point?" Mike nodded and sighed.

"If you want to know the truth…I know a way out of here."

"WHAT?" I screamed. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"Because you'd run away as soon as the sun went down!" Not true. I'd run away as soon as I stole enough things to sell and buy myself my own mansion like this. "Besides, I kinda liked having you here with me. Didn't you like being away from Belle?" I looked down, frowning. He'd caught me.

"Yeah…I guess," I finally admitted. I turned, ready to strangle him to get the way out of this hell palace. Imagine my surprise when he leaned in and suddenly kissed me, grabbing my wrists so I couldn't punch him out. Jini sighed dreamily, Gothy snored, and Pinky dropped the diamond. Imagine my surprise when it was picked up by my sister, who was witness to my first kiss stolen by her obsessee. _Craaaaap._

"YUCK!! I'M INFECTED BY COOTIES NOW!" I yell the same time my sister says. "MIKIE-POO YOU ARE _MINE_!!!!" So it sounded something like, "Yuck, Mikie.You are infected by poo cooties." Not a very pleasant thought.

While Mr. Wolf freezes in shock, I take the chance to twist away from him and bitch slap (BOO-YA!) him in the face. Jini gasped, Gothy laughed, Pinky looked around confused, picked up the diamond, and dropped it again. Point one for _the_ Rain. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and bounded toward the gang (a.k.a. my sis' new personal lovesick slaves. shouldn't I be _so_ proud of her?).

"Sis, you can have him," I gagged. "Jini?" Jini waved her tiny hands and a bottle of orange juice appeared. I twisted the cap off and guzzled it down, washing away the taste of boy. Belle, meanwhile, was cornering Mike like a cat with a mouse. Or, in her case, a deadly nightshade and a wolf.

"Mikie-poo" she trilled softly, a psychotic look in her eyes. Mike looked terrified. She pounced and went for the kill. Not kiss, kill. And she er…well…let's just say we'd give this story an X rating if I went into detail. Gothy caught it on video and sold it to Glinda, who paid by cursing Mike to be Belle's unadoring sex slave. I, however, sold all the silverware and the diamond and became a multibillionaire. My lovely three fairies and I lived comfortably watching Mike's crazy attempts to escape Belle (including poisoning me to kidnap me. It didn't work, as Jason King happened to pass by and gave me the antidote…with his lips.) and her crazy attempts to catch him (including hooking me up with Jason). I married Jason. Gothy ended up a world famous fashion model. Jini moved to Arabia where she helped out some punk named Al. Pinky dated the Grim Reaper, married him, and killed Hitler. And we all (except Mike and Belle) lived happily for a while.

…until Snow invited us to her new house and we met Puck.


End file.
